Please welcome Helen Mirren!” I didn’t do it. Mel Gibson? I’ll introduce him, yes.” About three days before this last one, just to wind Jane up, I said, “I got a good intro.” She went, “What?” I said, “Bill Cosby would make our next presenter sleep on the couch. I’m writing jokes as the ceremony approaches. When I do the Golden Globes, we go out about a week before. I have to make up worse jokes than I actually… Just to scare my girlfriend. I pretend I’m gonna say much worse things than I ever would. “Comedian in hot water.” You know? My girlfriend, Jane, she worries, and she reads things. Everyone goes, “I was offended.” -“Why?” -“He said an horrible thing.” “He said loads of horrible things.” “Yeah, but that was a thing that I care about.” That’s the thing about offense, it’s about personal feelings. Everyone’s different, everyone’s a blogger. But with that many people watching, there’s a bit of stick. This is my first new stand-up for seven years, if you don’t count the Golden Globes. Look, lions? We’ll get fucking mashed! Why can’t the Rottweilers hunt lions?” “They’re shaking babies.” Good boy! Good boy! You shake that baby if you want. “Ridgebacks?” “Yo!” “You’re hunting lions.” “What?” “You’re hunting lions.” “Fuck off!” -“Yeah, you are.” -“No, we’re not. Best day ever! Best day ever!” -“Miniature poodles?” -“Yeah?” “Do you like being carried around by elderly homosexuals?” -“Yeah.” -“That’s your job.” That’s your job. That is my favorite job.” “Jack Russells?” -“Yeah?” -“You like shooting down rabbit holes?” -“Yeah!” -“That’s your job.” “Fuckin’ hell. We all do.” “Okay, Labradors.” “Yeah?” “Do you like carefully bringing back dead ducks?” “Yeah?” “That’s your job.” “Amazing. He goes, “Right, dogs!” They go, “What?” “Who wants to know what job they got?” “We all do. There’s a bloke with a white coat and a clipboard. So we’ve got all the pedigrees for miles around. I can’t help but think it was a shock to it when it found out. Although, the Rhodesian Ridgeback was bred to hunt lions. They’re genetically hardwired to love that behavior. They’re great at the jobs they’re bred to do. Getting them how we wanted, to do jobs for us. Then we got involved and did some selective breeding. “Why didn’t you smell it on the bloke I brought home last night, you fucking idiot?” They did the first three billion years by themselves, evolution and all that. I’m not a doctor… but their noses are a thousand times more sensitive than ours, so they go, “Cor, you’re well HIV! Fuck!” You know? And you go, “You can smell AIDS on someone?” Yeah. There’s medical detection dogs that can smell if you’ve got… AIDS. Dogs are better people than people, aren’t they? They’re amazing, dogs. So… Thank you and welcome to my new show, Humanity. I’m just an ordinary guy, you know, going round talking to people sort… sort of like Jesus… in a way… but better. You’re thinking, “Relax, we’ve had our money’s worth just seeing you.” What? You’re a legend.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |